Saturday, November 8, 2008

A Hero

My divorce was a horrible thing. It was worse than a death. I can describe it as a horrible death that happened over and over and over again. Sometimes we experienced the same death over and over again in the same day.

Many days I suffered these deaths all on my own. I have never felt more forgotten by my Heavenly Father. I had never felt more alone.

It was sad and the whole thing had sucked donkeys! (This phrase was borrowed from early 90's SNL skit.)

Kat and I both made many mistakes. Many couples make the same mistakes. At the worst of the times in my marriage I would look around and think to myself.  'Whew... We are better off than most people.'

When I found out that my marriage was over it was a shock. I was very surprised. I never thought it would happen to me. It made me angry.

Kathleen did not want to work on our marriage and that made me sad. She did start to develop a vision of our future that took me a long time to buy into but ultimately I started to see that vision also.

Kat had this idea that she and I could keep our friendship for the kids' sake. Her vision was that for the kids we could remain divorced and still respect and help each other.

My divorce was the easiest and cheapest ones that I have ever heard of. We didn't use lawyers and we carefully drew up our own papers keeping each others needs and feeling at the forefront. There was still fear from both of us that the other may want to treat us unfairly. Ultimately we made things very fair for both.

Every once in awhile egos will get hurt and those harsh feelings got uncovered. Now these pains are quickly eliminated. That ego (that little me) is quickly reminded that it is not in charge that it does not control us, and our true spirits take over to heal and point us in the right direction again.

Finally I feel comfortable that I am going to be okay. I have found a girl to date that is wonderful. As much as I love Cynthia I also have this knowledge that I will be fine with or without her. This makes it so that there is not a pressure to be someone that I am not. This knowledge allows me to be genuine. My future marriage will be much better for this.

I see that I am a much better person since my divorce. Things that I have learned rarely get learned by people. I had enormous motivation to learn these things and learn them quickly. I would not have learned these things as clearly as I did without Kathleen's patient feedback.

It hasn't been easy for either of us to make these changes in our lives. We have had to take a hard close look at our insecurities and shortcomings and had to figure out how to make these things strengths.

Kat and I have become a team again where it comes to our kids. We are patient with each other and we support each other in discipline and goals.

Thanks to Kathleen's vision we have maintained our friendship. We have both moved on and left pettiness and egos behind. If she hadn't had this vision and shared this vision with me it would have been easy to just keep our relationship to a contractual level. It would have been very difficult for our kids. It would have been easy to be vindictive and petty. 

Kathleen has been a hero in our divorce. She hasn't always made the choices I agreed with, but she gave me a vision for a future that put our children first and made it so that we could both be happy and enjoy our lives.

My future doesn't include Kathleen as the most important person in my life. I am excited for that role to be filled by another. I will be forever grateful to Kathleen for being so cooperative in our divorce. I am also grateful to her for showing me a vision where our we can put our children first and make things as good as possible for them.

Thanks Kat!

13 comments:

Janice said...

It is good to hear you side of the divorce, not that I have heard a lot from Kat but I some idea as to what happend. Sounds like you have come a long way. You are awesome and you will always be a close friend of Wade and I. Next time you come up here we will have to get together and you can tell us what you have learned so we can learn from you.

Ernest Pratt said...

Thanks Janice! You are awesome!
One of the reasons I wrote this was because everyone tells me how well they think that I was handling the divorce and my relationship with Kathleen. The truth is I could not have handled it so well with out Kathleen's attitude and willingness to cooperate.
I love blog comments. It's so nice to know that people actually read what I write.

Emily said...

I read your blog Uncle Ern - always! I want you to know that I too think that you are an amazingly strong person. I have learned so much from you. I feel very honored to be a part of a family of such wonderful and wise people. I have learned so much from both you and Kat. I wouldn't be the same person without the relationships that I have with you guys. LOVE YOU!

Kat said...

First of all, I am not a blogger. I usually don’t respond to posts, but this particular post of Ernie’s has made me feel some things that I would like to share. And for those of you who know me, you know I don’t share often.

I am flattered that Ernie would think of me as a Hero. I beg to differ though. I am grateful that he sees it this way. But I am not the one who came up with this idea. There are other heroes that reminded me of an Ultimate Hero in each of our lives.

One night, I was sitting in my living room with our children. We have very unique children. I do not think I am biased, but maybe. I DO feel that Heavenly Father sent children to Ernie and I that are unique and blessed beyond anything that I or Ernie can even comprehend. They understand what Christ said when he said we should Love everyone and treat them kindly too…..That when you’re heart is filled with love, other’s will love you…..

Anyway, as our children and I were sitting there, we were discussing what the Holidays might be like from now on. I started saying some scenarios. All of the scenarios seemed so depressing. I looked at my kids and they were sad and my heart broke for each one of them. Then Dylan looked at me and said, “Mom, this isn’t right. You know this isn’t how Heaven will be, right? Heaven would be like Christmas Eve at Grandma and Grandpa Pratt’s house, where everybody is there. Even people you don’t know. There would be tables through out the entire house and you would walk around the corner and meet someone for the first time and it wouldn’t matter who or what they were or why they were there. What would matter is that they were Children of Heavenly Father and that they were all family.” I looked at my son’s face and knew without doubt that what he said was right. The feeling I had spoke volumes to me and I knew right then and there that the spirit was testifying the truth to me. We do not know what lies ahead of this life. We do not know what it means to be part of Heavenly Father’s Family. This caused me to ponder what this meant. We are ALL part of Heavenly Father’s Family. I have this scene in my head that won’t go away. I have hope for this scene that won’t go away. It makes me realize that even though I am part of an “interrupted” family, I have a much larger picture to fall back on. I am part of a much larger family that is not interrupted and really doesn’t have the ability to be interrupted. It is a family where all are accepted, regardless of the things that they do wrong or right. It is a family where all are loved regardless of what they believe or how they believe it. My children helped me envision this scene. They reminded me what it means to have a Divine Nature.

I feel the same as Ernie when he said that divorce was worse than death. It did happen over and over and over again. He and I experienced this very differently. He suffered his own way and I suffered my own way. We both felt alone and forgotten by Heavenly Father. We both mourned a loss. This is where I have learned about another Hero in my life. I am still learning about this Hero and will most likely have so many more opportunities to learn even more. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a healing agent. It has healed my heart and made me feel whole again. Christ has lightened my load. When I have felt like being spiteful and selfish, I was reminded that wasn’t what was needed to heal. This was something I didn’t rely on during my marriage. I allowed hurt and anger to control me and my actions. It was incredibly detrimental to my marriage and to my children. Eleanore….my alter ego….:) came out and would worry about petty things. I am grateful for the Atonement. It is real. It has healed my broken heart and I see it healing Ernie’s broken heart and my children’s broken hearts. I see it working miracles such as Ernie and I being that team for our children. I see miracles when I envision what Heavenly Father has in mind for ALL of His children. I see a miracle in my children who remind me what true Love is….Godly love….the kind all of us could have if we choose it.

So, heroes…….I am flattered by this title, but again, I beg to differ. Our children are the heroes. They showed us this vision. I love them and want more than anything, for them to be healthy and happy. I am forever grateful to Christ and His atonement, for it has healed what I once thought would always be broken. He is my Hero and the true Hero for all of us.

Ernest Pratt said...

Kathleen, That was beautiful. You SHOULD be a blogger. I think many people would benefit from the knowledge that you have. I KNOW many people would be interested. So many people love you. Family and friends. Thank you for your comments.

Janice said...

Even through the best of times and the worst of times you and Kathleen continue to grow and inspire me. I know I am a better person because the both of you are in my life. Tho distance seperates us you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Both of you express your feelings and thoughts beautifully and I feel little more at ease because I have worried about both of you thru your divorce.

I am proud to call you friends and more importantly consider you family. I laugh every time I am talking about either one of you and Andrew and Nat are around they refer to you at Aunt Kathleen and Uncle Ernie.

I agree with Ernie, Kathleen you should blog more often. Both of you will always be "Heros" in my book.

Now that you made me cry at work, I am going to get back to work.

Amy said...

Well said, on all parts. Love you all!

Cynthia Reis said...

I'm so greatfull to have that great writer to date. He's really special and not selfish sharing so personal feelings with us.

I know since the begining that was a hard time to face for both, you and Kathleen. We really are here in mortality to learn the greatest lessons that will provide us knowledge to be able to back to Heavenly Father's presence.

Trying to find that way back, the divorce happens. I'm glad to know that you and Kathleen had found the harmony in the relationship you still have (parents for those amazing kids and friends). And no just talking about the kids, but having both of you in my mind. When a relationship ends, "the person who goes takes some of us with her and lets some of her with us". Kat was so great sharing her feelings too. So everybody can see what both of you feel after that.

You guys were vulnerable with the divorce. But were wise enough to keep the friendship, congratulations!!! You are really
Heroes!

Love, thanks for sharing those things, you're great.I'm so proud of you. I'm glad to be part of your life as well. The plan is to be part of your family. I really love you.

Ernest Pratt said...

Sweet Cynthia! Thank you so much for your comments. I think that you are amazing! Is it any wonder that I have fallen so deeply in love with you. You are extremely special. I love you!

kira said...

我想Kathleen太愛孩子和你了,把所有的注意力都聚焦在你們身上,而忘了保有自我及愛自己,時間久了,就會讓自己變得不快樂、易怒、情緒不穩定;照顧孩子是一條漫長的路,經常感受不到成就感及滿足感,因為孩子的成長不是一天二天就感覺得到的,所以一定要愛自己一點,補充能量,才有能源走下去;我覺得放鬆一點,多愛自己一點,不但饒了自己,也饒了所愛的人。

Anonymous said...

If only my own exhusband could have been a grown up. Ours was a messy nightmare. And since he kidnapped our son in 2006 I havent seen my child since then. Your way is so much better not only for your children, but your own sanity. True heros all around.. Hugs, Janese

Merrills---according to Allison said...

Hi Ernie,

Sorry I suffer from reading disorder so did not read your entire post on this one, but I want to tell you that I understand how you felt when you wrote it. A horrible death over and over again, that is the perfect description. My ex and I were married for only a year, I was 23 when that happened. I think the whole experience really helped me see clearly what I wanted for my eternal well being. You are a very honest person with your inner feelings. I am glad that you found the right girl to spend your life with. I hope she gets her visa soon so your story will have a very happy ending.

I enjoy being your friend. You are inspiring. :)

P.S. :Oh, this is Ji-Jen Hung, that member from Hualien, Taiwan.

Allison

Ernest Pratt said...

ALLISON! Thanks for your kind words. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. It's nice to hear about what I have written. Thanks for catching up with me.